Grief…doing the work.

Let's talk about grief... This is a big one, and the trigger warning is in the title!

Grief is something that has been a pivotal part of my life, having lost a number of people very young. I was young, and they were also young.

On Friday 8th July 2022, a previous partner and one of the great loves of my life was found dead. He had been very unwell and wasn't looking after himself, and his lifestyle ended up becoming his undoing.

I was shocked, so shocked, and was dumbfounded, in total disbelief.

Although we had been separated for over ten years, we had started to build a sort of relationship in the last 4. I had finished the relationship, and it was devastating at the time for both of us, but fundamentally was the right decision.

He was a significant character in huge parts of my life. Our history was entwined, and there was a level of enmeshment during our romantic relationship which wasn't healthy. BUT our foundation and friendship were epic. He knew me like many didn't. With his passing, it was like a huge part of me just died.

He was connected to the part of my history where there is no one left from some of that crazy life - there are but not on the level that we had experienced.

I was also so so angry - another death that could have been prevented. He left a little boy of just two. I was mad and literally raging! But also the most grief-stricken, sobbing uncontrollably, on Saturday I was walking my dog and just doubled up weeping.

I felt the feels, moved the grief, howled it out, screamed, shouted, sobbed... in disbelief... and then rolled through it all again and again.

Grief through the ages….

Now my grief is connected to the loss of a person I had loved with every inch of myself and still loved deeply. I realised in all of it, though, I wasn't just grieving the loss of his life and the potential there but all this over wave of grief (and it feels selfish saying it but the loss of myself - that person I was when we met at 19years old, the early 20s girl, the parties, the lifestyle, the memories, the people who we were connected too.)

And then comes the grief for others that have also been lost in my lifetime and processing all of that grief again as a 37-year-old.

But grief also arrives in many forms, my six-year-old grief of losing my best friend and her family, my grief of leaving my dog and my life in png, my grief over my friend's mum passing too young, who I spent a lot of time with. I also lost one of my best friends at 20 (who he also knew), the loss of my pets, one who I had for 13.5 years who passed last year. Losing my grandad and, the most stable and consistent male in my life in April this year, my aunty in 2015 from cancer at age 56.

Grief is wild so fucking wild, and you have to sit in it; you can’t expedite the feelings or meditate your way out - grief also never really goes away... somehow, it's just managed differently. It hits differently as time passes, but it still can smash you over the head like an epic wave of just raw and pure emotion. You can't control it... but you just have to accept it and roll with it.

I feel we don't give ourselves enough time to really release and grieve properly. One thing I witnessed as a small human was the untapped grief in tribal culture in PNG. The woman would wail; it was immense, it was intense, and all the hairs on the arms would stick up. It echoed literally across the mountains.

It was there and raw. I know over the years I've grieved privately in my own space, sometimes silently. But for this loss, I just had to release the emotion it was too much holding it back or holding on to it. I feel this part of the rewilding of me, the tribal me, the girl who grew up with people whose emotions echoed across the valley. It's not shameful, in fact, it's pure, emotion in its most raw form.

Finding signs in the loss….

With this loss, I've just known that signs from him will come in the form of music and the number 7 (even though the other day I said the letter 7). It was like my Spotify was possessed on the Saturday after the news. The music from our life together, our friendship. We would share music all the time, random tracks we found, artists and all sorts. Over the last few years, it would be random songs we used to listen to or things that we just knew the other would like.

Building our friendship over the last few years meant so much to me, and that level of pure gnosis that can happen between two people is insane... just a knowing, unsure of the knowing but just trusting in the divinity of it all.

I've experienced so much grief and human life loss over my time on this planet, and god it really hurts sometimes. But that is also what it means to be human and live this human 3D experience. It has also given me the strength, compassion, and ability to hold big space, for big emotions and to hold the bowl and the soul as it grieves.

This is a very raw post, and I hold space for you as you have read through my musings and also open up the container if any of this resonates or prompts for further exploration, please reach out.