Working through money wounds
This term has become popularised around Money Wounds and working through money wounds to truly attract abundance (abundance as a whole and not just linked to financial wealth but abundance in health, life force, wealth, clients, connections, peace, and I also believe - beauty).
Suppose you search for money wounds on popular search engines. In that case, the main terminology on Money Wounds from Hello Giggles and Natalia Benson defines money wounds as "could be any habit or action you have around money that hurts you." Examples…such as "overspending, excessive debt, and never looking at bank balance".
Money wounds are also reflective of Financial Trauma or Money Trauma, detailed further in Joyce Marter's article on MoneyGeek. The word trauma can trigger many, so I prefer the word wound (it's softer and demonstrates that it can be healed).
To be clear, I am not a financial advisor, and the following is not financial advice; it's just about my experience with the term money wounds and how it has shown up in my life and my story.
My Money Wounds
It was only in 2019 I really started to really dig into money wounds and ripping the band-aid off to start unpacking how it was showing up in my life. To be honest, I only really faced it head-on in 2021 when I was able to see above the wounds, embraced them and moved through it.
Before 2019 I would have told you I didn't have a money wound, and you were being ridiculous; I had trouble keeping cash (and saving), and I had a heap of debt that I was slowly chipping through. I had this view of f**k it - you don't take the debt with you when you pass off this earth and provide you pay the minimum monthly who gives a f**k the debt you are sitting on.
The truth was it weighed around my neck like a noose with a 300 kg stone on the end of it. I ignored it a great deal - I tried to save (realising that saving money was pointless when the interest rate on my debt was 10+%, and my saving interest rate was less than 0.1% like seriously… What is with that?
I lived a life of amazing dinners, brunches, experiences, cocktails, and other random extravagances I can't put my finger on. I didn't buy Gucci shoes, handbags, fast cars, or houses. My cash seemed to go on experiences, nights out, $100 bottles of wine, Ubers here, there and everywhere. I paid it forward, always regularly giving to charity, buying the old dudes in my street snacks, sponsoring 3rd world country projects. But I was ultimately paying off the debt. I was earning a decent living, trying to clear the noose but living on a luxury that wasn't out of my league, just financially; the debt was holding me back.
I read the book How to unf*ck your finances (in 2018) have owned the barefoot investors book for a LONNNNG time, at least since 2011 - not sure if I ever read it - didn't implement it, that's for sure *just checked the version I have, and it was reprinted in 2011)
My financial situation went from racking up loads of debt to consolidating debt into a loan - (this is sensible over credit cards) and paying off $1500+ a month on the debt to bring it down.
Now I can track this story. When I lived in England (I was 18-21), we (my friends and I) lived as if tomorrow was going to be our last day on the earth. Literally. We partied, drank, and got into situations that would make my mum's hair curl into 80s style perm. In the UK, at the time, you got a fee every week you were overdrawn (it didn't matter how much could be 1 Pound) that soon racks up - we lived like we hadn't a care (and tbh we didn't) we paid for things with cheques - because you could back then) knowing that it would bounce. I mean literally! WTF.
Living in Australia
When I moved back to Australia, it was a chance to start over again (I will get into this in another post another day). I had paid back all my debt in the UK and left with a clean money slate - sort of - the habits were ingrained now, though. So it is 2005, and Australia didn't have debit cards; it had this weird outdated EFTPOS banking system (which I didn't understand - and to be fair, I still don't) or credit cards. So if you wanted to book flights online, you needed to have a credit card to pay for it… (bad news, right) if you wanted to buy anything online, you needed a credit card.
So I got a credit card for emergencies and a few flights - back to see my family in the UK and when they visited. That was pretty straightforward. I kept on top of it; the amount on the card was small. But then I needed to have surgery (and I was out of pocket - so it went on the card). My laptop died, went on the card, I had to leave a toxic relationship, and elements of that separation went on the card.
Anyway, this continued up and around, consolidated debt (did not reduce CC limits then spent it blabla). I don't have a mortgage, a house, or a car to this day. Haha. But I have lots of unforgettable memories and experiences and stories of eating, drinking, partying, dancing and dating around Melbourne, as well as some incredible travel stories.
However, this relationship with money isn't just related to my spending habits (I can spend that shit like no tomorrow - I enjoy excellent food and wine and will actively pay $50 for a beautiful bottle of Pinot Noir to enjoy the experience). What was becoming clear is I needed to understand where this only live once, money in money straight out, f*ck it, it's only money thing came from (and this is where it starts to twist a bit).
Being chronically in debt wasn't the issue - I paid it off over time (a long time). My $35K in debt + interest was more like 50-60K (in fact, I don't even know the total amount actually - I was just in this headspace of pay it down, keep paying it down).
So, where did this all start...
Like many (read - ALL), it boils down to childhood experiences that formulate these views, and there will be some contradicting views on this. And whilst this will hit nerves for the people involved (who are still earth side), it's part of my money story - so here it goes in all the rawness.
If you have read my story or other posts, I spent the first seven years of my life in a third world country - we were expats, but the life mission of that time my family lived very, very humbly - we lived with the community - whilst I never wanted for anything we were financially poor (although in PNG we were living like kings) moving back into a western culture - which was a horrific shock to a seven-year-old - we were poor back in the UK. We lived in council housing, and at one stage, we lived with my grandparents for over a year. My mum cleaned hospital operating theatres at night, and my dad worked all hours from aeronautical engineering to fixing cars and random odd jobs - not sure if he was paid for some of it. We mainly lived on government benefits for a while.
I knew we didn't have a lot of money - however, there was this perception that we were financially prosperous because I had a funny accent and had unique life experiences. My parents drove really old cars, one which I remember you could see the ground through the floor.
I owe my parents my work ethic, drive, and the ability to see the silver lining in all manner of messed up situations, to find the good and the positive, and to keep going. I am not taking no for an answer and being in charge of my destiny. Over the next few years, financially, the world changed, my father's job, my mum, also worked in retail, and we were on the up and up. We lived in an affluent area in the countryside between Bristol, Bath and Wells. We lived in a community where everyone at 17 (driving age) received a brand new car, people drove Landrovers, had super fancy dinner parties, had horses and oodles of cash (although looking back on it now, I am pushing 40, I do wonder the validity of this cashed-up old money...)
Now whilst we didn't have a lot of money - little things like being told - no you can't have that it's just cheap plastic" or "no it costs too much" or "no we can't go on holidays because we don't have the money" or "we need to buy new sinks for the house so you can't have it" at the time just kind of accepting it for what it was. They were right - it was cheap plastic (I wanted a Tamagotchi) - and the latest Kickers school shoes did cost a lot, and the boring Clarks ones did the job. And they were renovating this amazing house, so I wanted to have fancy showers and a huge bath - I mean, how cool are the glass bricks (it was mid-90s people before you judge).
But this all collapsed when my parents' marriage collapsed (with a house renovation at 75% finished). It was then like ALL the money or what there was just kind of disappeared (which doesn't make sense now thinking about it.)
The Money Wounds
Money was ridiculously tight - the money agreed in the divorce would be down to the pennies. My mum would pay school dinners for my sister at a certain point, so she knew the cheque would clear for the following month.
We lived to the last pennies; there was no money for school trips (I used to save up my babysitting or catering money to help pay for them. There were times when I remember needing $20 for trainers for PE and being refused (not from my mum but my father).
In my house, my father was the breadwinner; he wanted a traditional family where the mother was at home for the kids (based on his own childhood experiences - which is a whole other piece). During this time, my father rose through the ranks as a commercial pilot on one of the biggest airlines in the world.
As an adult, I realised that the meals we had (although tasty and nutritious) were super low cost and budget food. My grandparents were the money lifesavers for us. Only if we were desperate would my mum talk to her parents about needing extra money for essential things - we had the car with the hole in the floor, we had second-hand cars from my grandparents.
The juxtaposition in all this was that on the other side of the parental coin, my father drove a Porsche; he would be on holiday (not working) in fancy places all over the world. And not going to lie, there were a few occasions where his job benefited us - unexpected trip last minute to Barbados for a week, a trip to Kenya (work-related) and then also being able to fly first class to Australia in 2005.
But in the day to day of life, school, needing extra heating, or running shoes, fixing the hole in our house roof - the money was held on to, it was tough - it didn't flow, it was dealt out in pennies.
This life at home, living month to month scraping together money, then being flung into my father's world (and he loves nice things - it's a status symbol) was a real head spin. My mum had always managed our finances - even when we lived in PNG (she was from the bank teller generation of 60s babies), her financial diligence of our household resulted in the collapse of their marriage - oops, what a fail Dad!
My relationship with my father was shaky on a level that many fathers I know and have loved can't quite comprehend the mental and emotional games. Essentially, If I refused to see my father, I was threatened that money would be withheld from my mum and sister, and I had to tow the line; this happened over many years. Even up until 12 years ago, any engagement with my dad resulted in things like "you only call me for money" - this also included being told I had to pay for my 21st birthday present and having to pay interest (fortunately, my grandad stepped in on this occasion). This money wound gets deeper because it was then weaponised in my family.
This is just a tiny snapshot to give a little context to the money wounds and the money trauma that was ingrained deep. I had not acknowledged the wounds as part of my money story.
So although I have had a successful career over the last 17+ years and earned my own money, it resulted in:
If I had money, it flowed out straight away.
Money was scarce and could be taken away at any point.
I bought the things I wanted at the time - f*ck it - it was my earned money - I will buy the expensive wine or the trainers.
No one (person) could take it away from me if I didn't have it > so spend it.
Spend, spend, spend, and if you are borrowing money from the bank, then f them its the bank's fault.
But needing to be financially stable-ish meant that this money wound did seep into my relationships -
I've earned considerably more than my significant partners over the years - and it's been an ongoing joke that I was the breadwinner in those relationships.
I proactively paid for 90% of things in those relationships - from rental bonds to breakfasts, organising and paying for all the bills, accommodation, flights, etc.
Having control on the money as a way to combat my witnessed and lived experience as a child also meant a lack of trust with my partner to be able to financially provide (not only for me but for themselves)
For me, my childhood of not having money, then witnessing key caregivers withholding and weaponising money and using it as a significant form of emotional and financial abuse for years has not made me super careful with it - but more reckless abandon.
My lessons...
But since I have been on the money wound healing journey (which has been pretty self-guided), I have learnt:
Money is like water > it flows in and out.
Money used as a weapon is powerful and deadly, but it is also a sign of weakness by the one wielding the weapon.
Abundance comes in many forms.
Trusting yourself that the money will come is exhilarating (not scary)
Your parent's money story is NOT your own - understanding that and letting that go is critical to healing your money story.
Practising gratitude for money in and out is essential - See Ken Honda.
Financial manifestation of money works (blog coming on how I manifested over $45K in 6 months)
Once you face your money story and you can heal the wounds,
Addressing and healing your money wounds may heal other areas that you didn't realise were linked.
Pay off all debt first before saving… don't just say "f*ck it."
Don't just rely on one source of income, have multiple sources.
I am just about to finish the book The Soul Of Money which has been insightful in reframing my money story and creating the money magic of my future.
If you have read this, and any of it resonates and want to have a chat around reframing areas of your life to create more abundance, hit me up.
